"Alcohol Is The Root" by Bif Naked

I know this is gonna sound...kinda bad, but I really have to
say, and this is kinda what I believe, alcohol is the root
of all evil.  Don't worry, it's just my opinion.  Don't get
so...defensive.  Don't look so..pissed off.  I'm not talking
about you specifically.  I don't eve know you.  I'm talking
about my life.  On my 12th birthday at Mary's house in
Lexington, I had my first beer.  I split most of it out. 
Her older sister's friend was feeding it to me in his truck,
in the driveway.  He was 16.  Oh, we were listening to
Foreigner, and he was putting his fingers down my pants.  I
was trying to be a grown up girl, drinking a beer.  Well, I
drank beer for 14 years.  you know, every bad thing that has
ever happened to me would not have occurred if alcohol was
not involved.  The last five boyfriends, out of my total
ten, would never even have started if I hadn't been drunk as
hell when I met him.  God, looking back I shake my head. 
It's surprising isn't it?  I never could hold my liquor. 
Never once in my dri
nking history did I not get fully pissed.  Everytime.  I
have never, ever, been sober after two.  Cheap date.  The
funnest date.  The loudest jokes, the potty mouth.  Why, I
remember this one time standing behind the bar where the
bartenders were workin', and because I knew that 2
photographers from National Geographic were sittin' at the
bar, I was showing 'em my tricks.  "Watch the Canadian
girl pick the pimento out of the olive with her
tongue." Yeah, always a barrel of laughs.  How could I
be taken seriously I was drunk!  I don't know, I feel kinda
weird.  I feel kinda stupid.  It's weird.  I feel kinda
stupid.  It's weird.  I'm not necessarily bitter, but I
can't ever drink again, but I feel better, I feel in
control, I don't know how I ever drank.  I really don't know
how I drank all that time.  I don't 
think that, uh, drinking is for everybody, and I don't think
not drinking's for everybody.  But I gotta say, sobriety
makes hindsight beyond 20/20.  And I still think, and will
always maintain, alcohol is the root of all evil.