"A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper is Crying" by Bloodhound Gang

I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert 
That night I strolled on into Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace
lookin' for love. 
It had been a while. 
In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went 
since that midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10.

I had picked up this hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons 
through a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit
Of The Loom tank-tops. 
Well, that night I lost myself to ruby red lips, 
milky white skin and baby blue eyes. 
Name was Russell.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'

Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave", 
this pretty little thing come up to me and starts kneadin'
my balls 
like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a
coincidence darlin', 
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."

Well she smiled, had about as much teeth as a
Jack-O-Lantern, 
and I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a
mask 
as I do my little kooky dance. 
And then she told me to shush. 
I guess she could sense my desperation. 
'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed
like Minnie Pearl.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'

So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies
come true. 
So I says, "Even this one I have where Jesus Christ 
is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole 
with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something 
resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa
Claus's tummy-tum?" 
Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later 
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I
mean. 
Got to nail her back at her trailer. 
Heh. That rhymes. 
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on 
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, 
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into 
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop. 
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb", 
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk
carton. 
Well, my heart just dropped. 
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. 
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half
gallon of moo juice 
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five

in an eighteen-wheeler. 
I never thought missing children could be so sexy. 
Did I say that out loud?

Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is
cryin'